I settled into my one-room hut. It was hexagonal, with yellow cinder-block walls, a red concrete floor, and a black tile roof. I had electricity but no running water. Termites ate through the walls in summer, and a noisy family of bats nested in the peak of the roof, but aside from the occasional scorpion, the co-habitating pests never really bothered me. And I did have one true luxury: a flush toilet, although I felt guilty about the precious water it wasted.Welcome to the Peace Corps. A year earlier, I had been living in Colorado, working for a small newspaper, and dabbling in volunteer work related to women and girls. I started to think that maybe I wanted to “do more,” whatever that might mean. My curiosity took me to the Peace Corps website, where, after fits and starts, I eventually filled out the application form. Then, in early 2012, a fat, blue envelope arrived. I huddled around it with a few friends and tore it open to learn my fate: I was about to become a community health educator in Swaziland, a tiny country in southern Africa.
There was almost no time to be nervous. This was happening, and it was happening now. I scooped up long skirts and dresses (required wear for women in rural Swaziland), took advantage of a Peace Corps volunteer discount on Chacos sandals, and stuffed two years into the two bags I was permitted to take. Leatherman, headlamp, and a fat-banded wristwatch to hide a taboo tattoo. Then, it was time for the red-eyed goodbyes, and Mom, with soapy hands in the kitchen sink, telling me to listen to fear if I felt it in my gut. On June 26 — just after getting engaged— I was on a plane from St. Louis to Swaziland.
After two months of training (language, culture, how to avoid getting sick, more language) I was deposited at my new home in the north-central part of the country. The land was dry and dusty, and a river ran through my village. It was a 20-minute walk to the regional health center where I would work, mainly with HIV-positive people. Swaziland has the highest HIV prevalence in the world: More than a quarter of adults there are HIV-positive.
The health center was also where I met Ncobile Hlophe. She was cooking in the kitchen, hairnetted and aproned for the job. We shook hands — always the right hand, supported by the left. She grinned and asked when I would come to her support group. "Anytime," I said. That was the beginning. I got back from Swaziland more than a year ago, and Ncobile and I still talk several times a week, discussing our families, sorrows, successes. She still calls me by my Swazi name, Nonhlanhla, which means "fortunate." We have both learned so much from each other, and I hope we will continue to do so for many years to come. Ahead, the story of our incredible friendship.
Before you knew each other, what did you think it would be like to work together?
Ncobile: "Before I knew Nonhlanhla, I was thinking how could we talk to each other, because the Americans always speak fast and I think it will be hard for me because I didn’t finish school. But later on, we talked to each other."
Me: "I really didn’t know what to expect. I thought it might be difficult to communicate, and I was really nervous about making a cultural misstep and offending Ncobile. The way people work together in the U.S. is much more aggressive than it is in Swaziland, so I had a ton to learn."
Caption: Ncobile and me with the girls from our community at the beginning of Girls Leading Our World camp in April 2014.
Why did you want to work together?
Ncobile:"I wanted to work with her because I wanted a friend out of my country. I wanted to learn the American culture. Number three, I wanted to learn English more."
Me: "When she approached me at the clinic, I was thrilled to have a partner who sought me out to join forces. I never regretted it."
Caption: Members of our Girls Leading Our World club and me at my going-away party in July 2014.
What surprised you most about working with someone from another culture?
Ncobile:"The first time, I asked myself, Who am I to work with someone from overseas? And I was surprised that she was very kind and friendly. Many things I was not thinking she would do, she did for me."
Me: "I had to learn the cultural cues. Ncobile surprised me with her sense of humor and her jokes — we teased each other all the time, and she and our other friends would make fun of how fast Americans talked. I wish I could do the impression our friend Nomcebo does — she loves to say 'hello, girrrrrls' with this hilarious rolling of the r's, and she says that’s how Americans talk. We spent a lot of time laughing."
Caption: Showing off my porridge-cooking skills at my going-away party in Swaziland in July 2014.
What was the hardest thing about working with each other?
Ncobile:"The first time when I met her, it was hard to talk to her. I was thinking she would laugh when I talked her language because I’m not good in English."
Me: "I had to get used to 'Swazi time.' Everything starts at least an hour late, and you just have to be patient."
Caption: Ncobile prepares beef at the going-away party in July 2014.
What did you teach each other?
Ncobile:"I teach her about Swazi culture, [how] you don’t have to look another person into his or her eyes when she’s talking to you. Number two, I teach her to greet every person along the way when she’s walking."
Me: "We talked a lot about how gender roles are different in the United States than they are in Swaziland. I think I showed her a little bit about how my country differs from and is similar to hers. And we talked a lot about how there are wealthy and poor people in America, as well as about how HIV exists in America. Swaziland has the highest HIV prevalence in the world, so it’s very much a part of everyone’s life."
Caption: Ncobile with the three girls she and I took to the Girls Leading Our World camp in April 2014.
What did you learn from each other?
Ncobile:"Many things I learned from her. She always told me all people are the same and should be treated equally. She also tells me I am beautiful."
Me:"I learned so much about the lives of women and girls in Swaziland. Ncobile and I worked together on a girls’ empowerment group called Girls Leading Our World, or GLOW. She had so much insight into the challenges of being female in Swaziland. Women don’t have the same rights as men and often have less access to education. Still, Ncobile has a great deal of hope and is dedicated to the cause. I learned from her and admired her in that."
Caption: Swazi girls participate in a team-building and problem-solving exercise at Girls Leading Our World camp in April 2014.
How did working together change your life?
Ncobile:"Working with Nonhlanhla changed my life, because now I know who I am. Many people know that I know my rights, even at [the tribal leadership] they give me help because they know I work with Nonhlanhla. Working with her opened windows for me."
Me: "Ncobile was such an amazing friend and force in my life during Peace Corps. She took on the role of helping me communicate with people in the community and helping them communicate with me. I honestly could not have done anything without her. And she’s just an incredible, kind, funny friend."
Caption: Me with the three girls from our community who attended the countrywide Girls Leading Our World camp in April 2014.
What are your favorite memories?
Ncobile:"My favorite memory of her is that she loved the words 'makhwapeni' and 'pumpkin,' and she was always kind to everyone in the community. [Makhwapeni is SiSwati slang for 'a lover on the side.'] I still love remembering her trying to speak SiSwati; it sounded like a small child. And I love when I remember her laughing when our friend Nomcebo tries to speak like the Americans."
Me: "My favorite memory involves some pretty dark humor. At one point while I was in Swaziland, Ncobile got very sick. She thought she was going to die and was in and out of the hospital for weeks. She lost a lot of weight and could barely get out of bed. We were both really afraid. But she pulled through (her name happens to mean 'warrior'). Afterward, I gave her a Christmas gift. 'Sister, what would you have done with this if I had died?' she asked. 'I would have put it on your grave,' I told her, and we both burst out laughing. It was kind of a dark, strange joke, but we both thought it was hilarious."
Caption: Ncobile and me with members of the support group at my going-away party in July 2014.
What advice would you give to a Peace Corps volunteer?
Ncobile: "My advice to all the Peace Corps volunteers is that they should love, understand, and welcome their counterparts, so that everything will be easy for them in the community."
Me:"Open your heart to new friends. There will be some cultural challenges to navigate, but it is more than worth it. Don’t just huddle up with other expats."
Caption: Ncobile and Nomcebo, who does an amazingly hilarious impression of American accents, at my going-away party in July 2014.
How did you make each other stronger?
Ncobile:"She knows everything that pertains to my life. We are in the same age, to me she is my elder sister, and her parents are now my parents. Nonhlanhla made me strong because she always told me how to handle any situation and also told me that I’m strong and I’m important. She helped make me strong each and every day."
Me:"Just being around Ncobile made me stronger. We understood each other well, and I knew I could trust her. And I saw the way she dealt with challenges: She was always strong and optimistic, as well as a great problem-solver."
Caption: Ncobile, left, toasting with women from the support group at my going-away party in July 2014.
What is the best thing you did for each other?
Ncobile:"The best thing I remember — and I’ll never forget — about her is she took care of me. I remember one day when I was in labor, and although she was in America, she sent money to show her love. And this question will make me cry. She also takes care of GLOW girls, she never forgets about us here in Swaziland."
Me:"She was the best friend I could have hoped for. She was a huge source of love and support. Peace Corps is tricky — you’re alone in a strange place, and the cultural and language differences can be difficult. Having a trusted friend to help navigate is incredibly valuable."
Caption: Me at a going-away party hosted by the Girls Leading Our World club in July 2014. The girls had decorated the chalkboard ahead of the celebration.
What lessons did you learn from each other that you still use today?
Ncobile:"The lessons...to be strong, to know myself, to love myself, and to learn not to put blame on me all the time."
Me:"She taught me to meet people where they are and to really listen to them. It’s so easy to get frustrated and want to give up amid a challenging project. She showed me that it’s really worth it to come back day after day. Ncobile also showed me that it’s possible to work within difficult systems to get things done. It was amazing to watch her navigate a male-dominated society and become a successful, respected voice in the community."
Caption: Ncobile, left, and women from her support group prepare a chicken to cook at my going-away party in Swaziland in July 2014.
What makes you sisters?
Ncobile:"She is like my sister because she understands me, she gives me advice, she shows me love, she makes me calm even if I’m in tears, and she understands and gives me advice when I have taken serious issues. She helps me to understand that life is always life. And she makes her husband to know I’m her sister now. She’s always by my side in good or bad times. Many things make her my sister."
Me: "We’ve only known each other for three years, but it feels like so much longer. We worked closely together and had fun together, talking over the serious issues (politics, gender, poverty) and the much more fun ones (giving each other a hard time about having boyfriends on the side). I know I can call her and we’ll pick up right where we left off. We still send messages back and forth several times a week. I’m so grateful to have Ncobile in my life."
Caption: Ncobile and me at the end of Girls Leading Our World camp with the girls from our community in April 2014.
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