I feel like a zombie. My eyes are red, my nerves are fraught, and all my wine bottles are empty. There's a dent in my couch from where I've been sitting, and I've left my home just three times in the past week. Why? Journalism.
Well, journalism and true love. Since last Friday, I've been binge-watching The Bachelor in the hopes of clasping onto some unshakeable truths about relationships, and I've barely scratched the surface. It would take about two months to watch all 20 seasons in one stretch. In one week, I managed just four seasons — the second Brad, Ben F., Sean, and Juan Pablo — and even that involved barely stepping outside and clocking just a handful of hours of sleep each night.
For the past two days, Juan Pablo's face has been the last thing I've seen at night, and the first thing I've seen in the morning. I can't tell you what that does to a person's soul.
Actually, I can. Here, I dissect everything I've learned about life, love, and spray tans over the past week.
People are terrible.
If my blood pressure is up, it's because I've been internally raging at the likes of Courtney and Tierra. The drama, the competition, and the cattiness is unreal. And yet, their respective suitors took a million years to notice anything was amiss.
Image: Via PopSugar.
"Free spirit" is a job.
Why did I go to college when I could have settled quite nicely into the role of "free spirit" or "dog-lover"?
Image: Courtesy of Lovelace Media.
Nobody eats.
Please tell me there's a secret charity where all of the untouched steaks and pristine platters of coconut shrimp are taken to hungry children after the dates. Aside from Juan Pablo and Nikki's earnest BBQ chomping and a few ice cream cones here and there, nary a morsel is nibbled. No wonder everyone's so cranky.
Image: Courtesy of Buzzfeed.
Don't hide your freak flag (unless your freak flag is telling you to regale the Bachelor with your Christian Grey fantasies).
Both Sean and Ben F. gave the final roses to women they praised for being "nerdy." Okay, so one of those women was Courtney the Terrible, but the point stands. These guys were looking for their best friends, and sought out partners who could be playful and silly without worrying about looking stupid.
Image: Via Tumblr.
The slut-shaming is real.
Here's a show with a guy dating 25 to 30 women at one time, swapping spit with someone new every few minutes, plotting his Fantasy Suite moments...and it's the women who're given a hard time? Juan Pablo was quick to shut down Clare after they "went swimming in the ocean," then reminded her weeks later how good at boinking she was. The women in Ben F.'s season weren't much better when it came to criticizing Bentley's sexual overtures. Having big boobs doesn't make you easy or a stripper.
Image: Via Lovelace Media.
Chris Harrison is a damn national treasure.
His one flaw: interrupting Juan Pablo.
Image: Via Lovelace Media.
Selling yourself is weird.
"I have a good heart." "I have a great sense of humor." "I'm so down to earth I'm not even wearing shoes." How fascinating! Tell me more.
Image: Via Todd's TV.
Men love a good Pretty Woman montage.
If you really want to make a woman feel special, treat her like film's most famous sex worker. Let's pour one out for Leslie H., who was taken to Rodeo Drive for a designer shopping spree and Julia Roberts-esque makeover montage, before getting dumped by Sean at dinner (which, of course, went uneaten).
Image: Via Redbook.
Don't be the drunk girl.
You can show up in a wedding dress or even pretend to be pregnant and still get a rose. Getting wasted at the first cocktail party, however, will get your sequined butt sent back to the airport immediately.
Image: Courtesy of Stubborn Thoughts.
Being single is NOT FAIR.
How is it possible that every Bachelor contestant's "worst nightmare" is not getting a rose from a guy who probably won't end up with the woman he picks, anyway? My worst nightmare is having to eat runny eggs while being held hostage at an NRA convention on Friday the 13th. Think bigger, girls.
Image: Via Playbuzz.
Doing some dangerous stunt means you're ready for love.
Pick a metaphor, any metaphor. A one-armed blond battling it out in a roller derby means she can roll with the punches. If a woman who's petrified of heights can successfully scale a bridge with you, the two of you can get through anything together. A hospital visit is a small price to pay for true love, after all.
Image: Via Crushable.
Sometimes you've gotta pull an Andi.
If your lovebird is not delivering 100%, it is okay to call him or her out and demand more. If he or she can't get with the program or disrespects you, walk away, preferably with some Beyoncé anthem blaring in the background.
Image: Via Lovelace Media.
Black lives matter.
Just kidding. Where is everyone?
Image: Via Imgur.Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
Watch The Trailer For Transparent Season 3
Here's Why Rick & Michonne Fell In Love On The Walking Dead
Is This What George R.R. Martin Has Been Doing Instead Of Finishing Game Of Thrones?